Published on www.jaalmag.cpm at least a decade ago :)
Foreword: This piece is a tribute to the ingenuity of systems engineers at software companies in the country who program the most creative and user-unfriendly automated response systems in their EPABX systems. Here's a byte-by-byte account of a harmless telephone call to XYZ to reach a certain Mr ABC.
Me: Hello!
Other end: Hello!
Me: Hello!
Other end: Welcome to XYZ company, the ulti…
Me: Hello! Can I…(still under the impression it's a human voice, and not an automated response)
Other end: …mate solutions in networking, software, RDBMS, *&^%$…
Me: Hello!
Other end: If you know the extension of the person you desire to reach, press 1. Or press 2 for operator assistance
Me: 1! (I trust technology more than fallible humans, you see)
Other end: Now press 1 for adminstration, 2 for accounts, 3 for datawarehousing, 4 for godknowswhat, 5 for hangupyouloser
Me: 3 (that sounds vaguely familiar)
Other end: Welcome to the datawarehousing section of XYZ company.
Me: He..Hello
Other end: Press 1 for first names starting with A to F, 2 for second names starting with G to H, 3 for first names with G to H…
Me: Sheesh…but I dunno what his official name is
Other end: Press 8 for middle names with vowels, press 9 for names with consonants, press 0 for…
Me: Taking a chance again I press 3…
Other end: You have reached the extension of XYZ. Sorry, the person you have reached is not in his seat and has switched on his voicemail box. Press 1 to disconnect and 2 to leave a message
Me: Press 2
Other end: Voice goes mute
Me: Hi XYZ. Please call me back at this number seven-zero…
Other end: Sorry, XYZ's voice mailbox is full…Please try later..
Me: Hello, hello (making a last ditch attempt..)
Other end: Sorry, your call has expired. Thank you
Voice goes mute again…
I hang up here to retry the whole procedure, this time taking the assistance of the human receptionist, as against the inhuman, er, the automated voice response system.
Me: Hello
Other end: Hello!
Other end: XYZ company, May I help you!
Me: Can you connect me to Mr ABC please.
Other end: Is ABC his first, second or last name ma'm.
Me: Well, err. I am not certain.
Other end: Please hold on Ma'm…(Titanic again in the background)…
Other end: Hello!
Me: Yeah Hello!
Other end: Can you tell me which module he was working for Ma'm.
Me: Please, I have better things to do than remember his module's name and number
Other end: Difficult without such crucial information, but I'll try Ma'm
Me: (Now losing my patience). But if I give you the name, can't you just go into your database and tell me the possible names and extensions.
Other end: Sorry ma'm. Our database got corrupted. After the September 11 blasts, the software economy burst, our stocks fell, we lost profits and in cost-cutting the database manager was fired.
Me: But then…
Other end: Ma'm. I think we've got the person Ma'm… (Titanic in background again)
Me: Hel. Hellooo…Can I talk to XYZ please?
Other end: Well, he quit just last week. He's now with EFGH company. And the number is six-four-three…
After dialing six-four-three…
Me: Hello
Other end: Hello!
Me: Hello!
Other end: Welcome to EFGH company, the ultimate…
…and the story goes on
PS: Ignorance is bliss, but not when you need to reach your friend and you are ignorant of crucial details such as his/her module name, strategic group number, date of appointment, Details such as blood group and idenfication matters may be of added help.
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